There will always be a time that we, as people, will always battle with guilt in some way. It’s inevitable. Unless, of course, if you have no care for anyone or anything outside of you – but these people are [luckily] few.
I’ve hit the wall in the last few weeks.
Maybe it’s because of the “treatment” I’m undertaking for my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). I’ve not been one for medicating whenever possible. Maybe it’s because of the pressure we’ve been under for the last 3 years & it’s all just getting too much. Maybe it’s because I’m working 2 jobs, have dreams of making my own business successful, trying to remain the housewife & mum that I’ve longed to be. Maybe it’s seeing that Ape is so unsettled & unhappy. Maybe it’s the thought of Monkey going to BIG SCHOOL next year! Maybe it’s just all of this & it’s come to a head.
I had to leave work early yesterday as Monkey is unwell. I felt guilty dropping him off, then relief when I drove away as I know he’s in good hands. BUT! (There’s always a but.) Then the guilts returned with the “I should be the one watching him”, “I hate being a working mum, I just want to be with my child”, “Why am I never there for him?”. All the thoughts & more spinning around. Getting their toxic pants on for a mega toxic party in my head. As the afternoon drew on, I started to settle after seeing the doctor, & getting back in to the swing of just being there for our one&only.
Today Monkey & I are recovering. Him from his breathing difficulties overnight & incredibly realistic “barking dog cough”. Me, from lack of sleep again. We are at peace (for now), with only a tingle of guilt (for the work to catch up on tomorrow) as I am in my happy place, & Monkey is in his. Sometimes it’s like these things happen to remind us to slow down.
Over & out.